IV Sticks and Kidney Stones

Well not ten hours after writing that last post was I keeled over in the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my life.  It was early morning and I began to pray as I curled into the fetal position in my bed. Barely able to breathe, I asked my dad to start praying for me. He said, "I think you have kidney stones." Well when he told me that...the first thing that came to mind was "worse than childbirth." It's the only thing I'd ever been told about kidney stones...you can only imagine my plea to the Lord. No matter what I did, the pain would not subside.

I was able to get in to the doctor quickly, by the grace of the Lord. I don't consider myself to have a high pain tolerance but by God's miracles I was able to sit like a normal human being in that wait room. I'll spare you the sob story...They said, "Well, I think you have kidney stones...And they're pretty painful. Women say it's worse than childbirth..." Oh really? I hadn't noticed! LOL. I can believe it is painful as I sit here trying to control my writhing. So off they sent me to get a STAT CT scan...only it wasn't STAT. It was an hour later, another hour of waiting in a waiting room. My sister was kind enough to help me to the car where we waited half of the time till my CT scan.  She played this song...which led me to completely sob.

"I lean not on my own understanding,

My life is in the hands of the Maker of Heaven

I give it all to you God,

Trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me

I will climb this mountain 

With my hands wide open

I will climb this mountain 

With my hands wide open 

There is nothing I hold onto

There is nothing I hold onto"

It was absolutely the cry of my heart. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. He is good. Everything natural in me wanted to be mad at God and question his goodness, his comfort, his faithfulness to me. But here I was having to truly believe what I had just written the night before. It was absolutely one of the sweetest times in my life, those few minutes of singing this from my wounded soul.

You see, my God had not abandoned me. He had not left me to myself. He was holding me this whole time. Showing me that he loved me. He showed me this love by letting me taste from his cup of affliction. He showed me that he trusts me with the pain, knowing that I could handle this pain. Even though I told him multiple times I couldn't. He believes in me, just like he believes in you. He knows our strength because he knows His strength, and that is the strength with which we suffer when we are in Christ. Oh blessed child of the Father, we are not left to fend for ourselves.

Even when all seems lost to us, He comes and holds you, his child. He holds you and sings sweetly over you. Proud of the way you suffer so well in faith and trust. That is what beauty is, true beauty. Suffering and all the while trusting that God is working something great in the depths of your soul. The times of suffering and sorrow are the most revealing times. They reveal the depth of your faith and trust. Do you truly believe what you say you do? The tests will come, and what a glorious reward to give to our Father when we suffer as Christ did.

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42).

What a glorious reward indeed, if on the bed of pain and sorrow we are able to surrender our will and desire to God, believing He will do what is best. Showing Him that He is worth it. He is worth all the pain in the world. He is worth my suffering and sorrow.

The night before I spoke with my sister of how even if God doesn't heal us, we still believe like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego. And the very next day as I went through it my dad reminded me the glory of believing in God's will no matter the outcomes, referencing the same story. :)

"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up" (Daniel 3:17,18). (Italics added by me).

After the CT scan, I went home to wait out the diagnosis. They called a while later and said they had found two kidney stones. They gave me pain meds but they made me nauseas. The pain became unbearable and being unable to keep anything down (which is crucial with kidney stones to help flush them out of your kidneys) I went to the ER. So with nine hours of no relief from the worst pain of my life you can only imagine my prayers...

Once in the ER, I was exhausted and nearly delirious. Waiting yet again for a room, I kept asking God for his mercy and strength. Finally they took me back and after talking with the doctor, my superhero sister fought for me and told the "kind" doctor she wanted IV for me because I was very dehydrated. He complied (my sister works in the hospital :) And soon the nurse came in to get my IV going. Well  it took 3 sticks for her to finally get it, after blowing two of my veins. I wanted to start crying because I thought I  had reached relief, but still there was more pain with the bad sticks. With blood spilled all over my hands and arms from the clumsy nurse, I asked God for just a bit more grace to endure this. He answered, and helped me to love the nurse and speak kindly to her. He also gave my sister grace, as she was about to just ask to do the IV herself for me, haha.

As the medicine began to flow and relief came over my exhausted body, I was overwhelmed with my Savior's love. How He loves, OH how He loves us indeed. He never once left my side. He carried me through the valley. Never once did I ever walk alone. He smiled as the angels surrounded my sister and I in that small hospital room. He held my hand as the IV flowed through it, he sat on my bed in that hospital and told me wondrous things of his love and unending mercy.

Whatever theology or stance you hold on suffering, I now know mine. Suffering is God's way of showing a deeper level of his love and a chance for me to show the faithfulness of my glorious God who will never abandon me. He is glorious. He is my Beloved, and I am his. Suffering is a chance for me to love my God the way He has loved me. I want to show him my love, no matter how small it is in comparison to Him. He delights in it, even if it is as small as a mustard seed. What a gift to bring delight to our Father's heart. What a pure delight.

It is our nature to avoid pain and sorrow. But I find that the ways of Heaven are always in opposition to my nature. So if it is my nature to want to avoid pain and suffering, then there is something that I must learn in this area. Like I said, we should not choose suffering nor seek it out. We are not to test our Lord (Deut.6:16), but we are to TRUST him. So when suffering and sorrow come, seek the face of the Lord and he will guide you through the valley to peak at the glorious high place of Love.

My soul longs for the time when I may dwell on the high place of Love forever and ever. We are on our way good soldier. Do not lose hope. Do not lose faith. It is a journey, one that will hurt our bodies and strain our souls, but in our spirit we hold the One who can get us through it all.

Courage, dear one. You are His Beloved.

The Beauty of Suffering and Sorrow

Just got back from an INCREDIBLE sermon at church by Dudley Hall. (I'll post the link on here when it comes up. ) He spoke about suffering, and I think that this year more than ever I have been challenged about my beliefs on this topic. I was led to ponder about whether or not God desires us to suffer and go through sorrows. There is the view that as a father you don't want your child to suffer, but as I look at my own life...I believe that a good father allows the suffering and sorrow because he understands that through hardship comes character.

Dudley absolutely nailed it when he said that yes, God can bless us with healing and an easy life, but "in our weakness, God heals something greater." God could bless us with healing or material things, but he sees the greater blessing that comes from suffering and sorrow: a changed heart. And it all comes down to this: God's will is always to bring more Christ into you.

As much as I would love blessings of all kinds, I realize that this type of life would teach me absolutely nothing. I wouldn't even have to trust God if he gave me the blessings I want. It doesn't mean he hasn't blessed me abundantly already or will give me blessings in the future, but it makes me ask myself, "Do I want the temporary material blessings of this life? or do I want the eternal blessings of a Christ-like character and eternal rewards?" Because if I want the eternal blessings...it's going to take a price.

There is such a deep deep beauty to suffering and sorrow that the Lord has only begun to open my eyes to. For most of my life I have struggled with chronic stomach pain...and you know what...I can actually say that I would not trade that pain and brokenness for anything. My life has been a journey of me learning the meaning of James 1:2-4,

"Count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." 

When your heart gets to that place of sorrow and pain...something in you dies, your flesh. When you hurt, nothing in the flesh soothes the pain. This opens the door to your spirit and that is when you begin to think of higher things. And when you search and start asking eternal questions... that's when Someone shows up. Jesus Christ. He can answer it all.

He can tell you that your partners in this life, Sorrow and Suffering, have been chosen to be your guides to the High Places. If you have no sorrow or suffering, you will never learn to trust God's plan, lean upon His love, see the vanity of this world, listen to the Holy Spirit...you will never look like Christ.

There is beauty my sweet friend in that place where you realize Jesus Christ is a comforter, a hope. Where he comes to your bedside on those nights you can hardly breathe because the pain is so real, and he takes hold of your hand and sings over you the truths of our Heavenly Father.

A healthy saint does not choose suffering, but when it does come, when sorrow and suffering does come, it is then that a saint can begin to rejoice because they know that God is about to shift something in the depths of their heart. He is beginning to refine something and change your reflection to be more like Christ's.

I am able to rejoice in the days I feel like weeping, in the times I need relief from pain, in the times I feel hopeless. I can rejoice because I know that Jesus Christ is drawing even closer to my soul, that I have been chosen to refine and purify. I can rejoice because in the times of pain my flesh seems so worthless and my spirit comes alive. My mind is opened to God's thoughts and my ears open to hear His Truth.

Oh amen, amen, amen! God let us rejoice in these trials. Let us see the incredible beauty of our sorrows and sufferings. Let us count it ALL joy when we encounter trials because we can truly understand that something in us is about to shift for the greater! Instead of settling for our simple-minded requests you see something greater that you can give us. And though that something greater comes through the hardest trials...we long for it Lord. We long for the eternal blessings of a changed soul, an awakened spirit within us. Oh sweet Jesus! What an incredible gift to suffer like you did! What an incredible gift to learn the lessons that will make us more like you! Thank you Jesus that it is nothing we can or will do, but rather it all rests upon the grace of You, our good gracious Father who reigns in wisdom and sovereignty. Thank you Lord for bringing Heaven to earth, for bringing the Perfect Son of Man into the life of this unworthy sinner.

"For I have learned to be content in whatever situation I am in. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:11-13

This contentment is something learned. But the beauty of it is that we don't have to strive to learn it. God gives us, in his grace, the gift of learning it. Ask God to teach this lesson to you, to help  you learn it. Then you will be able to face the sorrow and suffering with joy because you know that God will bring you through it to a greater glory (Romans 8:18). He will walk along with us, and turn our sorrow and suffering to Grace and Glory. Amen.

A Post from the Past

One of my favorite past times is going through my collection of old journals, collected papers, letters, and memory boxes. I found my old blog posts that I began in 2004 while I was in middle school. I had forgotten about my Xanga account ;). I sometimes read the things I wrote and wonder what it was exactly  that brought about the ideas and thoughts. But then again I've always leaned towards the introspective and analytical tendencies. I was particularly struck by this post I wrote my Junior year in highschool. I can't remember the meaning of the title but I was reminded of a beautiful truth by this post and thought I would share it with you.

" 'Scattered Trees and a Band of Horses' October 22, 2007

Have you ever had the feelings that make you picture a scene such as a scene of a person driving across the country in a convertible car with hair blowing in the wind, pondering events or plans that they once had, and a mellow indie song playing in the background? Ever had those feelings and just felt like you are that person, like you close your eyes and you can picture yourself looking out at the endless road, feel the wind blowing in your hair, have the pondering thoughts of life? Music definitely plays a major part in this scene.

Either I am in that scene, or the one of a girl sitting on a window seat, drinking a cup of coffee looking out at a large aged Oak tree outside her window while the clouds water the green field.

I feel very cozy right now as the rain taps against my window. My mind wanders from thought to thought, putting each into its appropriate category. Although, there are the thoughts that have no desire to be categorized; they only wish to be on the mind constantly.  And yet, even if I could put them away, I almost enjoy picking them apart and searching for their root, their purpose, their meaning in my life. How is it that one can feel so utterly peaceful, and yet be so utterly confused?

I found it interesting to look around at the people at the mall yesterday, a man holding a baby, teenage girls laughing amongst themselves, a woman with sorrowed features, a little boy running to catch up with his mom. What is it we all so desire? What do we all truly live for?

We live to be loved.

We are all searching for it. The perfect friends, parents, spouse, and even pets that will love us the way we dream of being loved. We wish to have our faults overlooked, and be loved despite our mistakes.

That is all they want, all we want. Forgiveness and love. And yet, does anyone really find that love that they so desire here on this earth? It is such a hard journey, one that often breaks and tears at the heart. One that we have hope of finding, but well never really do here.

What is it I really want? How many times must I ask myself that? What am I working towards? ...Honestly if I look at myself, I am working to find happiness. Whether it be working for money to some day buy my dream ranch, for health, for friendship, for knowledge, for love, for My Love... I only wish to be perfectly and completely happy. But I find that that work will only be worth it if I worked for My Love.

As I sip on my warm camomile tea, pulling my legs up against me, and as my wonderful loyal golden comes and rests her head on my arm, I rest completely satisfied in what my future holds because...well I know Who holds it. The rain waters the earth, the sparrow sings her song, the grass grows, the clouds shade, and the trees dance in the breeze. This world is beautiful, but my friend it is not my home. And in knowing that, I rest. I rest loved. I rest happy. "

An Unworthy Reward

As the year came to a close last night, I was overwhelmed with gratitude of all that the Lord did this year.  He is so faithful and consistent.

A few days ago, I came across this simple statement I have heard countless times, and yet finally it clicked:

"We are the reward for Jesus. We are his inheritance."

The Holy Spirit opened my heart to this truth, and I was completely awestruck at how crazy this fact is.

How in the world could I be a reward for Jesus, the King of Kings, the Creator of Heaven and earth, the Son of God!? I don't feel like I could be much of a reward to even an earthly prince, much less THE PRINCE.

Because Jesus died on the cross...He gets me. (All of us, which is so much greater, but I also believe that if it had been for just one person, he would have done it all the same.)

It is so beyond my comprehension that this is a fair trade. I mean, Lord, I wouldn't be insulted if you felt jipped by this.

The Son of God, the Prince of Peace, almighty God enthroned on high humbled himself to be a human on this earth, suffered for 33 years and died the most  horrific death, then went down to hell, defeated death, and rose from the dead, and ascended into heaven where He now rules in all power and might and perfection. And for allllllll of that He gets...

me.

If this does not boggle someone's mind..I don't know what will.

Think of the most perfect perfect PERFECT person doing all of the hardest most impossible things and then their Father comes and says, "Well done. Here is (you), Your reward."

WHAT!? I'm sorry, this just really is incomprehensible to me. I mean, here's little old me stuck in my own world preoccupied with clothes, stuff, people, etc. and sometimes completely ignoring the One whose reward I am supposed to be. I am selfish, lazy, impatient, foolish, and so much more stuff that is the opposite of who Jesus is. And yet...God made me His Son's reward. : 0 (jaw dropping moment)

Another mind blowing fact: Jesus knew what his reward was going to be before He came to the earth. He knew that we, a fallen people, would be his reward. And that is all He wanted and still to this day continues to want.

All He wants is us. Why? Because He is love. Despite our failures and faults, God cannot stop loving us. It is NOT in Him to stop loving us. That right there is the absolute wonder of God.

He cannot help but love us.

" 'Oh Lord, I cannot believe that You would have me as a reward. Me? How is it that I could be Your inheritance? Your reward for dying the most horrific death? 

I cannot begin to grasp how I could possibly be worthy or deserve being Your reward. For surely You deserve so much greater, so much more!  How can You have chosen me to be the reward for Your most Beloved Son, oh God? 

There is no logic or reason behind choosing such wretched me to be the reward for the Prince of Peace. To even imagine that I could be something You want is incomprehensible. Do you not feel cheated Jesus?' 

'No, my beloved child. I do not feel cheated. I knew what I had to do to earn you. I knew all along that you would be my inheritance, my glorious reward. I see you as you will be, perfectly perfect. Oh how glorious you will be alongside me, my sweet child. 

I did it for you. You are all my soul longs for. From the day sin ripped you away from me, the day my heart was torn from me, I have sought to win you back. I would have died that death a thousand times for you, if need be. But no, it was once and for all. 

Oh that you knew how much I love you, sweet one. Oh that you only knew. You would see how I see you, washed clean in my precious blood. Righteous and pure. Loving and passionate. Humble and strong. Simple and true. 

I desire you. I desire every thought, breath, action, and affection. Won't you give yourself to me? 

Am I not worthy to receive my reward?'"


May this be the year, brothers and sisters, that we truly give our lives to the One who deserves them.


"Who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." Philippians 2:6-11