A Post from the Past

One of my favorite past times is going through my collection of old journals, collected papers, letters, and memory boxes. I found my old blog posts that I began in 2004 while I was in middle school. I had forgotten about my Xanga account ;). I sometimes read the things I wrote and wonder what it was exactly  that brought about the ideas and thoughts. But then again I've always leaned towards the introspective and analytical tendencies. I was particularly struck by this post I wrote my Junior year in highschool. I can't remember the meaning of the title but I was reminded of a beautiful truth by this post and thought I would share it with you.

" 'Scattered Trees and a Band of Horses' October 22, 2007

Have you ever had the feelings that make you picture a scene such as a scene of a person driving across the country in a convertible car with hair blowing in the wind, pondering events or plans that they once had, and a mellow indie song playing in the background? Ever had those feelings and just felt like you are that person, like you close your eyes and you can picture yourself looking out at the endless road, feel the wind blowing in your hair, have the pondering thoughts of life? Music definitely plays a major part in this scene.

Either I am in that scene, or the one of a girl sitting on a window seat, drinking a cup of coffee looking out at a large aged Oak tree outside her window while the clouds water the green field.

I feel very cozy right now as the rain taps against my window. My mind wanders from thought to thought, putting each into its appropriate category. Although, there are the thoughts that have no desire to be categorized; they only wish to be on the mind constantly.  And yet, even if I could put them away, I almost enjoy picking them apart and searching for their root, their purpose, their meaning in my life. How is it that one can feel so utterly peaceful, and yet be so utterly confused?

I found it interesting to look around at the people at the mall yesterday, a man holding a baby, teenage girls laughing amongst themselves, a woman with sorrowed features, a little boy running to catch up with his mom. What is it we all so desire? What do we all truly live for?

We live to be loved.

We are all searching for it. The perfect friends, parents, spouse, and even pets that will love us the way we dream of being loved. We wish to have our faults overlooked, and be loved despite our mistakes.

That is all they want, all we want. Forgiveness and love. And yet, does anyone really find that love that they so desire here on this earth? It is such a hard journey, one that often breaks and tears at the heart. One that we have hope of finding, but well never really do here.

What is it I really want? How many times must I ask myself that? What am I working towards? ...Honestly if I look at myself, I am working to find happiness. Whether it be working for money to some day buy my dream ranch, for health, for friendship, for knowledge, for love, for My Love... I only wish to be perfectly and completely happy. But I find that that work will only be worth it if I worked for My Love.

As I sip on my warm camomile tea, pulling my legs up against me, and as my wonderful loyal golden comes and rests her head on my arm, I rest completely satisfied in what my future holds because...well I know Who holds it. The rain waters the earth, the sparrow sings her song, the grass grows, the clouds shade, and the trees dance in the breeze. This world is beautiful, but my friend it is not my home. And in knowing that, I rest. I rest loved. I rest happy. "