I was able to get in to the doctor quickly, by the grace of the Lord. I don't consider myself to have a high pain tolerance but by God's miracles I was able to sit like a normal human being in that wait room. I'll spare you the sob story...They said, "Well, I think you have kidney stones...And they're pretty painful. Women say it's worse than childbirth..." Oh really? I hadn't noticed! LOL. I can believe it is painful as I sit here trying to control my writhing. So off they sent me to get a STAT CT scan...only it wasn't STAT. It was an hour later, another hour of waiting in a waiting room. My sister was kind enough to help me to the car where we waited half of the time till my CT scan. She played this song...which led me to completely sob.
"I lean not on my own understanding,
My life is in the hands of the Maker of Heaven
I give it all to you God,
Trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me
I will climb this mountain
With my hands wide open
I will climb this mountain
With my hands wide open
There is nothing I hold onto
There is nothing I hold onto"
It was absolutely the cry of my heart. He is trustworthy. He is faithful. He is good. Everything natural in me wanted to be mad at God and question his goodness, his comfort, his faithfulness to me. But here I was having to truly believe what I had just written the night before. It was absolutely one of the sweetest times in my life, those few minutes of singing this from my wounded soul.
You see, my God had not abandoned me. He had not left me to myself. He was holding me this whole time. Showing me that he loved me. He showed me this love by letting me taste from his cup of affliction. He showed me that he trusts me with the pain, knowing that I could handle this pain. Even though I told him multiple times I couldn't. He believes in me, just like he believes in you. He knows our strength because he knows His strength, and that is the strength with which we suffer when we are in Christ. Oh blessed child of the Father, we are not left to fend for ourselves.
Even when all seems lost to us, He comes and holds you, his child. He holds you and sings sweetly over you. Proud of the way you suffer so well in faith and trust. That is what beauty is, true beauty. Suffering and all the while trusting that God is working something great in the depths of your soul. The times of suffering and sorrow are the most revealing times. They reveal the depth of your faith and trust. Do you truly believe what you say you do? The tests will come, and what a glorious reward to give to our Father when we suffer as Christ did.
"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done" (Luke 22:42).
What a glorious reward indeed, if on the bed of pain and sorrow we are able to surrender our will and desire to God, believing He will do what is best. Showing Him that He is worth it. He is worth all the pain in the world. He is worth my suffering and sorrow.
The night before I spoke with my sister of how even if God doesn't heal us, we still believe like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego. And the very next day as I went through it my dad reminded me the glory of believing in God's will no matter the outcomes, referencing the same story. :)
"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up" (Daniel 3:17,18). (Italics added by me).
After the CT scan, I went home to wait out the diagnosis. They called a while later and said they had found two kidney stones. They gave me pain meds but they made me nauseas. The pain became unbearable and being unable to keep anything down (which is crucial with kidney stones to help flush them out of your kidneys) I went to the ER. So with nine hours of no relief from the worst pain of my life you can only imagine my prayers...
Once in the ER, I was exhausted and nearly delirious. Waiting yet again for a room, I kept asking God for his mercy and strength. Finally they took me back and after talking with the doctor, my superhero sister fought for me and told the "kind" doctor she wanted IV for me because I was very dehydrated. He complied (my sister works in the hospital :) And soon the nurse came in to get my IV going. Well it took 3 sticks for her to finally get it, after blowing two of my veins. I wanted to start crying because I thought I had reached relief, but still there was more pain with the bad sticks. With blood spilled all over my hands and arms from the clumsy nurse, I asked God for just a bit more grace to endure this. He answered, and helped me to love the nurse and speak kindly to her. He also gave my sister grace, as she was about to just ask to do the IV herself for me, haha.
As the medicine began to flow and relief came over my exhausted body, I was overwhelmed with my Savior's love. How He loves, OH how He loves us indeed. He never once left my side. He carried me through the valley. Never once did I ever walk alone. He smiled as the angels surrounded my sister and I in that small hospital room. He held my hand as the IV flowed through it, he sat on my bed in that hospital and told me wondrous things of his love and unending mercy.
Whatever theology or stance you hold on suffering, I now know mine. Suffering is God's way of showing a deeper level of his love and a chance for me to show the faithfulness of my glorious God who will never abandon me. He is glorious. He is my Beloved, and I am his. Suffering is a chance for me to love my God the way He has loved me. I want to show him my love, no matter how small it is in comparison to Him. He delights in it, even if it is as small as a mustard seed. What a gift to bring delight to our Father's heart. What a pure delight.
It is our nature to avoid pain and sorrow. But I find that the ways of Heaven are always in opposition to my nature. So if it is my nature to want to avoid pain and suffering, then there is something that I must learn in this area. Like I said, we should not choose suffering nor seek it out. We are not to test our Lord (Deut.6:16), but we are to TRUST him. So when suffering and sorrow come, seek the face of the Lord and he will guide you through the valley to peak at the glorious high place of Love.
My soul longs for the time when I may dwell on the high place of Love forever and ever. We are on our way good soldier. Do not lose hope. Do not lose faith. It is a journey, one that will hurt our bodies and strain our souls, but in our spirit we hold the One who can get us through it all.
Courage, dear one. You are His Beloved.
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