When I look back at the young naive girl I came in as, she seems so foreign to me. I read things I wrote in those first two years of being an Aggie, and I realize how much my way of thinking has changed.
The girl that I look back on was one who could be defined as "Trying." She tried so hard to please those around her and even please her God. She tried with all her might to be righteous. She studied Scripture to impress others and God, hoping that through her knowledge she could gain their love and favor. She tried so hard to be kind, joyful, servant-hearted, and well...perfect.
She tried and tried and tried for the first two years of college. Through her dad's heart attack and the year long struggle to help him regain his mobility, she contined to try and be the rock others needed to her to be. She worked with all her might to have others love her.
Little did she realize she was using her spiritual accomplishments and religion to comfort her. She had continued, just as the girl in high school, to live in self-righteousness and self-reliance.
Then one night she got the call that her cousin, only 24 years old, was dying. She stood among her family declaring that her God would save her cousin, she would not pass away. But her beautiful cousin did pass away. Suddenly, her perfect little world collapsed.
This was the shifting point in my life. I do believe that I knew the Lord, and I knew him closely. My faith was genuine and sincere, I had just fallen in certain areas.
This test of losing my most beloved cousin was a faith-changing event. It was as a slow motion movie. Everything in my life suddenly played before me...who I was, what I poured myself into, what I had done in my life.
I realized the reality of my utter dependence and need of my God. I was broken. And for the first time in my life I didn't even try to hide it. Freedom had finally broken into my life.
My eyes shifted from the kingdom of this world to the Heavenly Kingdom. I began to find true comfort in the only one who could offer truly give it, my Heavenly Father. I no longer had to try to impress Him, try to do everything right, try to be a good Christian girl. I no longer had to try.
I could rest.
I could simply rest in how my Savior loved me beyond all else and that his will and plan for my life was perfect for me.
The first two years were very different from the last two, but I see the Lord's hand in every single moment of these past four years.
As I sit here on the cusp of something new and differentI look back and see the amazing journey God has brought me through, and I will never be able to express in words how grateful I am for the humbling hard times he took me through.
Now comes the part where I have to decide what to do with my life. A month ago I was right there with many other graduates wishing people would just stop asking them what they want to do...we don't know! Only, instead of not knowing what I want to do with my life...I do know.
I want to honor my God. I want to PLEASE my God. Not because I have to, but because I am filled most with joy when I feel the pleasure of my God.
No I don't know what job the Lord wants me to take, but I do know I want to serve him And so if you are like me and completely lost as to which physical job direction God wants you to go in, perhaps you can find guidance in this as I have. It is so simple.
Walk in your gifts. The way God made you is a sign of what he wants you to do. What led me to know what God wanted me to do was realizing when I felt God's pleasure the most.
Finish this sentence: "I feel God's pleasure most when I am..."
That is how you will know what the Lord wants you to do with your life. : ) It brings him much joy to see his children use the gifts he has given them.
So as I walk across that stage tomorrow at 9:00 am, I will be thinking of my incredibly faithful and loving God who has brought me SO far. How do you thank someone who has done so much more than you could ever do for them?
You love them. He doesn't require anything from us, nor does He even want anything from us! He just asks that we love him and let Him love us.
Beloved, you are His. He knows your days, your plans, your desires. Let him have them all. Let Him use them and rule them. He will take you so much deeper into his heart and into a glorious eternity with him. You are holy because He made you holy through the blood of his Son. You are chosen. You are loved. You are forgiven. You are enough just as you are because you are HIS.
May we honor him with all our days, including the ones we have no idea about. :)
So as I walk across that stage, I pray that the Holy Spirit move and for a split second bring people in that stadium to think of their God. May my name somehow when said aloud in front of those thousands of people make others think of their glorious Savior. He is so good. So incredible. So faithful. So worthy of our all.
You are loved sweet brother or sister. May you be showered with his grace and love, and may he continue to take us all from glory to glory.
P.S. I will be singing this song in my heart as I walk across. It's my party for Jesus jam! : )
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