Still Trying

Today, I woke up restless. I grabbed a book that has been on my shelf for over a year, Jesus Freaks. It is a book composed of the stories of those who stood for Jesus despite being persecuted and tortured. It also tells stories of those who died martyrs for their Lord.

As I read it, I felt the guilt begin to sweep over me. Guilt and even a bit of horror. Do I even have ANY faith?  I have done nothing for God, I don’t even talk about God to others for days at a time. And yet here I am thinking I have a step up on others in this world.

As I began to compare myself to these pillars of faith, I realized who was feeding these thoughts. Self-hatred, frustration, condemnation, and guilt were all being poured upon me as I sat there comparing myself to these incredible believers.

Those thoughts are not from my Savior. I still struggle with a performance mindset, thinking I have to do things for God to love me. I’ve known times of freedom from this mindset, but my nature still gets the best of me.

Why do I still feel like I have to earn God’s love?

“We think we earn God’s blessing or forfeit it by how well we live the Christian life.”(Jerry Bridges- Gospel-Driven Sanctification)

I confess, I have given into this way of thinking for much of my life to this day. I am immediately reminded of Romans 3,

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith.” Romans 3:23-25a

As I read this, the Lord gave me a picture. It’s as though Jesus is trying to give me a gift, and there I go saying, “Oh no, I can’t take that!”  

He replies, “Yes, take it.”

“No, let me wash your feet first. Let me feed you. Let me give you a new cloak. Let me make something for you first,” I retort. And there I go hustling and bustling about the house frantically trying to do things for Jesus, while he just stands there holding the gift out for me to take.

I realize how ridiculous I must look, but in my head I have convinced myself that I must do something for Jesus first before I can accept anything. Perhaps it is because when I look at myself I see absolute depravity and failure, and think how I do not deserve anything from Him.

I try and I try, telling myself, “Oh Sophia, if you just save more souls, lead more children into life-long ministry, write more encouraging letters, read more of the Word and other Christian literature, if you just die a martyr for Jesus, then, THEN you will deserve the gift of His love.”

But that is the most ridiculous part of it all! I AM UNDESERVING! AND I ALWAYS WILL BE! Nothing I can do will every change that. And try as I might, no matter what I do, I will never feel like I deserve Jesus.

I don’t know if we were ever even meant to feel like we can deserve God’s love. That is what makes our God so beyond us and our capacity to understand  him.

“This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus.” Romans 3:25b-16

*the moment you read something for the bazillionth time and it finally clicks*

God loves us to “show God’s righteousness…to show his righteousness…so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus.”

Do I not get this!? Here I am trying to show God my righteousness so that I might justify myself for receiving such a gift! I am trying to be God. I am trying to take his job and justify myself.  He doesn’t need me to take his job. HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS is what is to be highlighted. He is just and the justifier of me, a believer. He doesn’t need my help. He doesn’t need me to do anything. He just needs me to believe and receive.

What a fool I am. But what a faithful relentless lover my God is to yet again open my eyes to my blindness.

As I sat there so humbled by my little faith and understanding, I looked at my dog, Sadie.

“Why do you love her?” the Lord asked me.

“Because she follows me,” I easily answered.

It struck my heart. As when a breeze blows away a thick fog, or as when something comes into focus, a wave of clarity ending the strain of trying to see, my eyes were opened.

She follows me.

She does nothing for me. I feed her, bather her, give her medicine, take her for walks, and buy her toys.  She really does nothing for me, and yet I love this dog as my own sibling. I count her as a part of me, an extension of my heart.

I love her because no matter where I go my Sadie follows me. She waits by the door for me to come home, lays at my feet while I eat, sleeps at the foot of my bed every night, waits outside the door while I get ready every morning; where I go, she goes.

I love her because she knows my heart. When I am sad, crying, or sick, she draws closer and rests her head upon my lap offering comfort. When I am happy and rejoicing, she rejoices with me. She feels my emotions and joins in them willingly. She never refuses my love.

I love her because she listens to my voice above everyone else’s. When I ask her to drop her favorite toy, she does so immediately. When I tell her to come, she comes. When I say no, she stops immediately looking to me for guidance. When I lead her, she follows.

I love her because of her silly quirks. She loves stuffed animal ducks. She gathers them all around her before bed. She can be stubborn at times and strong willed.  She can be pushy and needy, but I love even these faults of hers.

Sweet Miss Sadie

I love how she looks, even as she ages and gains weight. I love the look in her eyes every morning as she greets me. I lover her smell, even when she is dirty. I love her paws, though not soft anymore. I love the spot on her tongue. I love how soft the place above her nose and between her eyes is.

I love her simply because she is simply Sadie. She doesn’t try to change anything about herself. She doesn’t try to act like other dogs or change how she looks. She just accepts who she is, and doesn’t think about comparing herself to any other dog.

I have asked my family, “Whyyyyy does she have to follow me everywhere I go?” The reply is simple, “She loves you.”

I love her because she is mine. I love her because she lets me love her and she loves me. And I know her love for me because she relentlessly pursues my presence.

This is how God feels about me. He loves me because I am his. That’s it.

He just wants me to let him love me and to love him in return. How complicated I make Him and his love. But he does not condemn me for my efforts. He only looks on me with compassion and asks, “Come, follow me.”

I want to let him love me. I want to follow him relentlessly and just be myself. I want to listen to his voice above all, and obey Him when I hear him. I want to rest in his presence all the days of my life. 

Even as I sit here writing this, I try to think of what I can do to make this happen. How hopeless one can feel...but it is then that I look upon the cross, and am overwhelmed with gratitude.

I pray that I may take this entry and truly apply it to my life. I do not know how to live this life any differently, but my God does. I have no answers, no methods, no secret solution to a performance mindset. But I trust that my Savior and Beloved does. I believe that he will take this broken tired girl and heal her heart from the tangled web of performance.

I pray also for anyone else who struggles with this. It is such a heavy burden that I know the Lord wants to free us from. He is so good and so faithful. He loves us. Just as we are. He loves us.

I will hold you child 

When all is done

When the world is gone

And its songs have been sung

You will be with me

Through endless years

We will dance and sing

When your heart is fulfilled

So don't you close your eyes

Don't you lose your way

Don't you miss all the gifts that are unforeseen

I'm your anchor and shield

I'm the wind in the sails

I'm the song in your heart

The God who saves